LOL-ful Lakewood Modesty Booklet "You and Eye"

I wish it were a parody but I think I know better.

Eric Yoffie's Laughable Article About Chabad

Eric Yoffie, the former president of the Union for Reform Judaism (the main organization of Reform Judaism in America), recently wrote an opinion piece in Haaretz in which he was rather critical of Chabad.

Some of it is good points, i.e. Chabad meshichism, support for the Baruch Marzel political element in Israel. Some is essentially sour grapes, i.e. getting annoyed at Chabad's winning over donors affiliated with Reform and Conservative congregations (and presumably reducing their donations to those congregations/causes accordingly). But one part is just really laughable.

When Reform and Conservative leaders protest that celebrating a Bar or Bat Mitvah in a synagogue should require preparation and serious training, including membership and involvement for more than a few months, they are not simply protecting their membership model. They are pointing out that there are limits to feel-good Judaism; even as an outreach method, sweeping away requirements for study and family engagement becomes counterproductive at a certain point.

This is not a new message for Eric Yoffie. From a July 2007 piece originally in the Jerusalem Post

In North America, the issues are very different. Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox synagogues routinely require families wanting a Bar or Bat Mitzvah for a son or daughter to meet certain requirements. Generally, the child must attend a religious school for at least a year, if not more, and the parents are also asked to commit themselves to study and worship at the congregation. The premise is that in the absence of Torah learning and familial commitment and involvement, the Bar Mitzvah will be without meaning – an event celebrated primarily because of parental guilt or as an excuse for a party.

Why is this so funny? Not because they do nothing to stop the over the top indulge-fest that are the bar mitzvah parties of the typical children in these congregations. Rather, because Reform was originally lukewarm if not somewhat hostile to the bar mitzvah.

Check out some past responsa from the CCAR (Central Conference of American Rabbis, the reform rabbinical organization). From 1913, Kaufmann Kohler (Kohler, who studied to be a rabbi under Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (of all people), is perhaps best known for convening the conference that resulted in the notorious "Pittsburgh Platform" of Reform Judaism, was president of Hebrew Union College from1 903 on) :

Disregarding altogether the false claim of mental maturity of the thirteen-year-old boy for a true realization of life's sacred obligations, I maintain that the Bar Mitzvah rite ought not to be encouraged by any Reform rabbi, as it is a survival of Orientalism like the covering of the head during the service

To be fair, his biggest problem with bar mitzvah was that it had an attitude of neglecting the religious training of girls. And in today's world, where many modern Orthodox Jewish congregations let girls give a d'var Torah after prayers, and Bais Yaakov and even Satmar girls have plenty of (Tanach-based) religious training, perhaps he would not have been so against it, although he does show other concerns, i.e. "the false claim of mental maturity."

Even what seems to be the main opposing view to Kohler, that of David Neumark (Hebrew Union College professor from 1907-1924, ordained by Lehranstalt fuer die Wissenschaft des Judenthums in 1897 in Germany), still said "As to the practical question involved, I am perfectly in accord with the suggestion to abolish Bar Mitzvah ceremony in favor of the Confirmation on Shavuot for boys and girls alike."

They only later began to cater to the demands of the congregants to have a bar mitzvah (Israel Bettan, 1954) (like their Conservative and Orthodox brethren) and even then initially put up a defense against extending it to Bat Mitzvah, not because they were anti-equality, but because Bar/Bat Mitzvah was a bad thing and it should not be expanded.

Yet, despite its feeble basis in the realities of religious living, Bar Mitzvah has retained its old appeal for many parents in some of our Reform congregations. In fact, in many recently organized congregations, it has assumed a position of importance which it had never before attained. It would seem that when the substance eludes our grasp, we tighten our hold on the shell.
...
Quite different, however, must be our attitude to the proposed Bat Mitzvah ceremony, which goes counter to tradition and for which there is no popular demand. When a new religious practice is urged upon us, of whose value our fathers had no estimate and we have had no convincing demonstration, it is not enough to point to some by-product of possible utility, as we attempt to do in the case of the Bar Mitzvah ceremony. Unless the new project recommends itself to us by its inherent worth and direct positive purpose, none of its strained qualities shall ever win and hold our active interest.

After acquiescing to some extent, they at least tried to keep tallit and kippa out of the picture.

Similar requests come at times from the parents of a Bar Mitzvah. To please an older member of the family, they would have the boy wear Talit and skull-cap during the Bar Mitzvah ceremony.

Pamela Geller Sides with Holocaust Deniers against the Anti-Defamation League

This is a new low when it comes to Pamela Geller's anti-Semitism. I mean, she's already expressed her contempt for kosher slaughter and the authority of our batei dinim (courts of Jewish law), but I figured even she wouldn't be linking to Holocaust deniers to slam the Anti-Defamation League.

From her recent blog post bashing the ADL (she may remove it once she gets caught):

Now, where does that link regarding the Colorado lawsuit go? Why, to the Institute for Historical Review.

As most people are aware, the Institute for Historical Review is a pseudo-scholarly organization dedicated to "historical review" of whether the Holocaust happened. Founded by a member of Geller's friends at the British National Front and Willis Carto of the anti-Semitic Liberty Lobby, they have been at it denying the Holocaust since 1979.

It's possible that Geller had never heard of them, but even if she had, she still posted the above article despite it ending like this:

Although the ADL claims to fight discrimination and promote "fair treatment," for decades it has been a staunch defender of Israel and its well-entrenched policies of discrimination against non-Jews, and of the Zionist state's wars of aggression and numerous violations of international law. Similarly, in the United States the ADL upholds a double standard in ardently promoting Jewish ethnic-religious particularism while protesting comparable ethnic-racial particularism by non-Jews.

I guess if they hate the ADL (which has denounced her on numerous occasions) and probably aren't crazy about the Muslims either, they're good enough for Geller. Bravo, Chabad, for hosting this sonei yisrael.

The New Republican Haggadah: 5773 (2013) Edition

So the National Jewish Democratic Council had an amusing post in 2012 entitled The New Republican Haggadah.

However, the Haggadah was highly abridged and would not be suitable for any serious Republican Jews, and probably not even for RINO Jews. I wrote a more complete version in 2012 (5772), but could not quite finish it. This is the complete and updated version.

Bedikat Chametz בדיקת חמץ

It is strictly prohibited for a Jew to own chametz (products of the five grains, wheat, barley, rye, spelt, oats) during the Pesach holiday. On the night before the first Seder, traditional Jews make a formal search for bread crumbs (that have been placed around the house immediately before the search), and then burn them along with any other leaven products the following morning, afterwards saying the "Kol Chamira," an Aramaic declaration that any other chametz that may have been missed shall be considered to be dust of the earth.

Republican Jews should instead perform a bedikat aruchat tsohoraim בדיקת ארוחת צהרים. Instead of scouring their homes for leaven, they should scour the kitchens at their local schools for any healthy lunch options; it is particularly serious to allow a school to serve any leafy green vegetables during Pesach; an exception may be made if the child already has diabetes, ask your local GOP chair. The next morning, any healthy options that were found must be completely slathered in oil (one may use any oil except olive) or high fructose corn syrup before 10 o'clock the next morning.

To cover any healthy options that one has missed, one recites:

All manner of nutrition remaining in the School Lunch Program, whether it is visible to me or invisible, whether I have slathered it in unhealthy substances or left it untouched, shall be considered null and void, and accounted as if it were a bacon double cheeseburger with extra mayo served between two cinnamon buns.

Seder

Seder Plate

The Seder plate traditionally contains various foods fraught with symbolic meaning, and the Republican Jewish seder plate is no exception. From the top, counter-clockwise, it contains the following.

1. Chick-Fil-A-this symbolizes the on-going fight against toeiva marriage.
2. Fracking Water-The water byproduct of hydraulic fracturing is included on the Seder plate as an indicator that Republican Jews see no problems with drinking it. Note: Republican Jews should not, G-d forbid, actually drink the fracking water; instead, a "Seder goy" should be found to perform this task. Remember, if they are uninsured, any complications they suffer can be handled by their primary care doctor at the local emergency room
3. Big Gulp-In honor of our freedom, Republicans believe one should consume at least a ke'diabetes of soda at a time, especially if one is in Mississippi.
4. Twinkies-A reminder of the dangers of labor unions, which last year left America in grave danger of being without her sweet creamy center.
5. Papa John's Pizza Box-To remember what Obamacare has done to you
6. Olive Garden-In order to highlight Republican outreach to minority groups, one includes some authentic ethnic cuisine.

Kadesh קדש

The blessing over the first cup of wine is made before drinking it. However, one cannot just use any wine. There is widespread agreement among Republican Jews that it is prohibited to use French wine for the four cups; more stringent opinions also prohibit the use of wine from the tumahdik state of California.

Instead of reclining to the left while drinking the wine, Republican Jews of course recline to the right.

Urchatz ורחץ

Not only (as is traditional) is no blessing said (because we are not about to eat bread) during this washing of the hands, Republican Jews do not bother to get up to wash. Instead they wait for the water to trickle down.

Karpas כרפס

Traditionally, a green vegetable (such as parsley or lettuce) is dipped in salt water.
Republican Jews follow the ruling of the Rav Ronald Reagan that ketchup qualifies as a vegetable. Ketchup is (usually) not green, but green is the last thing any Republican would want to be.

Yachatz יחץ

Most Jews break the middle matzah into two roughly equal pieces, replacing the smaller piece on the Seder plate and hiding the larger piece as the afikomen. At Republican Jewish seders, the leader (or in Republican parlance, the Seder CEO) keeps 99 percent of the matzah for himself and lets the other participants share the remaining 1 percent.(from the original)

Magid מגיד

This is the part of the Seder where the story of Pesach (Passover) is told.

Ha Lachma Anya (Bread of Affliction) הא לחמא עניא

In this case it's technically this is the bread of the job creator so should be something like (Ha Lachma Borei Melacha) הא לחמא בורא מלאכה

"At more than 20 dollars a pound, this is the bread of the job creator . Let all who are hungry be declared ineligible for Food Stamps. Let all who are needy suck it up. This year we are in America. Next year may we demagogue Israel to all get-out. This year we are slaves to the income tax. May next year be entirely tax-free.

Four Question (Ma Nishtana) מה נשתנה

The child with the largest trust fund asks:

Why is this night different from all other nights?

On all other nights we eat food picked and processed by illegal immigrants that take jobs away from real Americans. Why on this night is our matzah watched in the field by old Russian ladies?

On all other nights we eat all sorts of vegetables except arugula; after all, we're not elitist organic-loving hippies. Why on this night do we eat only bitter herbs (maror).

On all other nights we only dip once. Why on this night will we give Obama 100% of the blame for a potential double-dip recession?

On all other nights we eat in whatever position we like, sitting up or leaning. Why on this night do we lean even farther to the right than usual?

The Pesach Story

We were slaves to Pharoah in Egypt. When God brought us out of there with a mighty hand and outstretched arm, we didn't hold onto the plantation mentality. If the Holy One Blessed Be He, had not brought our ancestors out of Egypt, we'd still be slaves to the Pharaohs in Egypt because private property rights are sacrosanct. Since God knows we're not wise or knowledgeable or familiar with constitutional law, it's required that we tell the story of how we left Egypt.

It is related that Eric Cantor, Paul Ryan, John Boehner, Kevin McCarthy and Dave Camp spoke all night in the Cannon House Office Building about cutting benefits for the poor until morning when their interns came in with coffee and said, "Sirs, the time has come for the vote to end Medicare as we know it."

Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah said "I am a seventy year old man, and all the days of my life I live in fear of having to go before the Obama death panels." Ben Zoma explains that "all the days of my life" refers to the fact that the death penal brigades may even fly to your house in their black helicopters and break down your door at night. The sages, however, say this refers to the fact that the Democrat party sheep saw Obama's election as the beginning of the times of the Messiah.

Blessed be the Omnipotent Invisible hand of the free market.

Four Justices

There are four Supreme court justices we thought we could rely on: the "wise" justice (Scalia), the wicked justice (Roberts), the simple justice (Alito), and the justice who does not know how to ask (Thomas)

The "wise" justice, Antonin Scalia what does he say? Regarding the 98-0 re-extension of the Voting Rights Act, he says that must mean there's a problem with it, because "The Israeli supreme court, the Sanhedrin, used to have a rule that if the death penalty was pronounced unanimously, it was invalid, because there must be something wrong there."

The "wicked" justice, John Roberts, what did he say when he refused to overturn Obamacare? "Members of this Court are vested with the authority to interpret the law; we possess neither the expertise nor the prerogative to make policy judgments. Those decisions are entrusted to our Nation’s elected leaders, who can be thrown out of office if the people disagree with them. It is not our job to protect the people from the consequences of their political choices"

The "simple" justice Samuel Alito, what does he say when it comes to free speech that he considered inappropriate and therefore acceptable to ban? "Respondents' outrageous conduct caused petitioner great injury, and the Court now compounds that injury by depriving petitioner of a judgment that acknowledges the wrong he suffered."

The justice who does not know how to speak, Clarence Thomas.

In the beginning of our time in America our forefathers served the idols of socialism but now the GOP has brought us close to its service. As it is said, "Your forefathers used to live on the other side of the river in the Lower East Side, and they voted for Socialists for Congress."

And I took your ancestors to the other side of the Hudson, and I led them throughout New Jersey, from Teaneck to Lakewood.
Blessed is he that calculated the end of our bondage under the oppressive Obama regime, as God said to Abraham, "Your seed will be enslaved by oppressive regulations and will suffer for four more years. But I will also cause the Dow Jones Industrial Average to reach record levels and you will end up with great wealth.

Vehi Sheamda והיא שעמדה

This is what has stood by our fathers and us! For not just one Democrat alone has risen against us to destroy us. From Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who didn't bomb the railway lines to the death camps. To John F. Kennedy, who destroyed the hat industry, making men dress immodestly. To Jimmy Carter, the rasha [evil man], about whom no more need be said. To Bill Clinton, who defiled our precious daughters of Israel! To the current socialist Kenyan Muslim Hussein Obama, in every generation they rise against us to destroy us, and the Holy One, blessed be He, saves us from their hands.

Come and learn what really happened to Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, after they escaped the attempted destruction of the family by Lavan. As it says, "And Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her; and he took her, and lay with her, and humbled her."

"And Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her" She did something to catch his eye. As it says, "And Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land." Therefore, having gone out for some girl time, she was not doing her best to avoid getting raped and was pretty much asking for it.

"and he took her, and lay with her, and humbled her." As it was taught (Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer 38), "Dina came out to see the young ladies, and [Shechem son of Hamor] caught her and slept with her and she conceived and bore Asenath." We infer from this that Dina was not legitimately raped, because, as Todd Akin says, "If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Ten Plagues עשר מכות

In addition to taking ten drops out of the wine cups for the plaques, Republican Jews also take them out for ten types of taxation.

These are the ten forms of taxation which the Democrats, may their names and memories be erased, brought down upon us: The income tax, the social security payroll tax, the tax on dividends, the gasoline tax, the property tax, the cigarette tax, the alcohol tax, the sales tax, the "fee" that is actually a tax by another name, and finally, the death of the super-rich parent tax.

Rabbi Yehuda put them in three categories: the consumption taxes (gasoline, cigarette, alcohol, salex, fee), taxes on income (income tax, payroll tax), and the worst of all, the taxes on wealth (dividends,property, death of super-rich parent).

Rabbi Yose the Galilean, said: How can you assert that the Egyptians were smitten with ten plagues in Egypt, and at the Red Sea they were struck with fifty plagues. That's fuzzy math!

Dayenu דינו

If Obama increased sanctions on Iran, but not restored Israel's military edge,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had restored Israel’s qualitative military edge after years of erosion under the Bush administration, but not increased security assistance to Israel,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had increased security assistance to Israel to record levels, but hadn't boycotted Durban II and Durban III	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had boycotted Durban II and Durban III, but hadn't increased U.S.-Israel military cooperation,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had taken U.S.-Israel military and intelligence cooperation to unprecedented levels, but hadn't vetoed one-sided anti-Israel UN resolutions,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had cast his only veto in the U.N. against the one-sided anti-Israel Security Council resolution, but hadn't stopped unilateral Palestinian statehood,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had organized a successful diplomatic crusade against the unilateral declaration of a Palestinian state, but not opposed Goldstone,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had vehemently opposed the Goldstone Report, but not stood with Israel against the flotilla,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had stood with Israel against the Gaza flotilla, but not intervened to rescue Israelis with Cairo	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had immediately intervened to rescue Israelis trapped in the Egyptian embassy, but had not given orders to help with the Carmel fire,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had given orders to give Israel “whatever it needs” to put out the Carmel fire, but hadn't supported the policy of nuclear ambiguity,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had given 'unprecedented support' for the policy of ambiguity on Israel’s nuclear weapons, but hadn't condemned Palestinian incitement	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had repeatedly condemned Palestinian incitement against Israel and attempts to delegitimize Israel, but not pulled out of exercises with Turkey,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had pulled out of joint exercises with Turkey after Turkey excluded Israel, but hadn't pushed for more Iron Dome money,	it wouldn't have been enough.
If President Obama had pushed for more money for Iron Dome to protect Israelis from Gaza rockets, but had not called Israel an unparalleled story of redemption	it wouldn't have been enough.
If Obama had called Israel an unparalleled story of redemption, but had not quoted Gemara while planting a tree in Israel,	it wouldn't have been enough.

Of course, Obama has done all of those things, and has had a Seder at the White House every Passover, but it's still not enough.

Obama is flipping out in Israel, will come back as Baruch Herschel

All too many Americans flip out (become much more religious) while in Israel, and it seems President Barack Obama is no exception.

In his arrival speech, he basically straight-up endorses religious Zionism:

I’m so honored to be here as you prepare to celebrate the 65th anniversary of a free and independent State of Israel. Yet I know that in stepping foot on this land, I walk with you on the historic homeland of the Jewish people. More than 3,000 years ago, the Jewish people lived here, tended the land here, prayed to God here. And after centuries of exile and persecution, unparalleled in the history of man, the founding of the Jewish State of Israel was a rebirth, a redemption unlike any in history.

By later that day, he's already giving a Gemara shiur (class/talk) to Shimon Peres:

They opened their meeting with a planting ceremony. Obama brought Peres a magnolia tree from the White House garden. Advertisement: “This is the work of generations,” Obama said about peace. He framed that quote with a story from the Talmud about Honi and the carob tree. The tree yields carobs 70 years after it’s planted. So what’s the point of planting one, if you may never eat its fruits, Honi asks a man. The man tells him that when he came into the world, his father and grandfathers had planted carob trees for him to enjoy. The man said he was planting carob trees for his children and grandchildren.

I think we can be sure he'll fulfill that request to come to B'nei Brak and make a minyan. Frankly, at this rate, by the end of the trip he will have built at least 13 (illegal) outposts and will be a rosh yeshiva at the Mir; we may be stuck with President Biden.

Cities with (Unofficial) Chief Rabbis in America

Lately I've been reading a lot through the archives of the American Jewish Year Book (published since 1899-1900, initially if I'm not mistaken by the Jewish Publication Society of America and later by the American Jewish Committee). They have a huge number of interesting "blasts from the past," including demographic/cultural/political data, lists of national (and earlier on [pre-1927], local) Jewish organizations, reviews of events in the year in the Jewish world and interesting ``special articles" on numerous topics. One such article, from the 1965 year book, gives an overview of Orthodox Jews in America.

This article, taking up pages 20-96 in that year's Yearbook, is probably worthy of multiple blog posts if I have the time; here's one.

To the extent that [a communal Orthodox structure] existed, however, it was headed by the shtot rov or chief rabbi of each community. This was particularly true outside New York City and Chicago. Cities like Newark, N.J., Boston, Mass., Philadelphia, Pa., Baltimore, Md., Cleveland and Cincinnati, O., Milwaukee, Wis., Springfield, Mass., Rock Island, 111., and Detroit, Mich, each had one rabbi who towered over the Orthodox community; he supervised kosher slaughtering, baking, and the processing of other foods, and presided over the local Jewish court. These were Orthodox leaders par excellence.

Off the top of my head, I can name a handful of these rabbis. For instance, the Baltimore chief rabbi was definitely Rabbi Joseph H. Feldman 1930s-1972 (no real bio of him; his son Emanuel Feldman can in many senses be regarded as the founder of the present Orthodox community in Atlanta and his son Aharon Feldman is the rosh yeshiva of Ner Israel). The Cincinnati chief rabbi was definitely Rabbi Eliezer Silver 1930s-1968, and (I wasn't sure but suspected) apparently the Rav (Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik) was in factthe Chief Rabbi of Boston 1932-??? (even though he was the rosh yeshiva of RIETS (Yeshiva University's rabbinical school) from 1941 on).

. Googling, it seems like Yaakov ben Zion Mendelson in Newark, Rabbi Bernard Levinthal (of B'nai Abraham) in Philadelphia, Binyamin Gittelson in Cleveland

Obama Come to Bnei Brak and Make a Minyan - and other Facebook petitions

This is interesting, apparently Mayor Ron Huldai is on board so it's not just a silly petition.

Tel Aviv Mayor Ron Huldai is joining thousands of Israelis who are calling on US President Barack Obama to speak at the city's Rabin Square. "Like many others, I too am excited by the news of the upcoming visit of President Barak Obama in Israel," he wrote on his Facebook page. ... One of the people behind the initiative is Peace Now Secretary-General Yariv Oppenheimer who said that there "is a significant voice in the Israeli public that needs to be heard." He hopes that with tens of thousands of likes the page would attract the attention of world media "and perhaps even Obama himself."

The right wasn't going to let that go, so they created a rival Facebook group: Obama, come to Samaria (northern West Bank). They "want" him to speak on top of Har Kvir (a mountain in the region), and say "We have the right to live"

From there, the trolling began:

• Obama come to Shabbat Square and exempt the Charedim from the IDF
• Obame come to "Muksha" on Purim: Don't fall for the trap in Rabin Square, stay away from there, and come enjoy some truly good-times with me.
• Obama come to "I am a leftist and I also have no sense of humor
• Obama come home with me and listen to some records
• Obama come play basketball in Shefayim (a kibbutz) on Friday: it's all well and good to give a talk in Rabin Square, but to play basketball in Shefayim on Friday would be OFF THE HOOK! Only basketball will bring peace
• And perhaps the best one, Obama come to Bnei Brak and help make a minyan at the Itzkovitch Synagogue